Playing the child card

Years ago, my supervisor and I had – how shall we put this politely? – something of a disagreement.

See, I had been making flight arrangements for an industry event that happened to end about midday on Saturday. A co-worker would be attending the event with me. (It’s important to point out that this co-worker was married and the mother of a small child.) My supervisor ordered me to plan on staying over Saturday night rather than returning when the event wrapped up on Saturday. (This was back in the day when airlines socked it to passengers who didn’t include a Saturday night stay in their itineraries, a rule I never could wrap my brain around.) My co-worker was allowed to return home at midday Saturday.

When I asked the boss why I was required to stay over an extra night while my co-worker was returning early, I was told: “Kevin, she has a child at home and she needs to get back. You, not being married, surely wouldn’t mind staying the extra night to save on airfare, right?”

The unspoken message I took from the boss’s comment: “Kevin, your co-worker’s time is more valuable than yours because she is married and a parent. You, not being married, are a lesser person who should sacrifice your leisure time for the company’s gains, right?”

If I’d had any sense at the time, I would have sued the pants off my supervisor, but I didn’t.

A co-worker (different than the one I mentioned above, and also not a parent) and I coined a term for the phenomenon: playing the child card. That is, an employee using children as an entitlement for missing work, arriving late or skipping out early.

Over the years, I’ve seen a variety of abuses: parents arriving late for work on the first day of each new school year so kiddoes can be checked into class. Leaving work early so trick-or-treating can begin. Leaving midday to attend teacher conferences, performances, classroom parties, you name it. A biggie is taking paid time off to stay home with a sick child. Imagine me calling in and announcing that I would be staying home today because my dog has an upset tummy!

I scoured the Web looking for some stats on the child-card phenomenon. Do working parents really miss more work time than non-parents, or is it just my imagination? I thought surely there is an American Federation of Working Parents that compiles such stats, but no.

To be fair, not all parents play this card. In all the years I’ve worked with my colleague Dave Kuack --  a parent of two school-age kids -- not once do I remember him slipping out of the office early due to child-induced drama.

Tell us: Do any of your employees play the child card? Do you sense resentment between the have-kids and the have-nots? How do you deal with it? Do I just need to get over it?

-- Kevin

Comments

[Tonie Auer]

Hi Kevin. As the mother of three who has worked as both a single mom and married mom, this definitely strikes a chord with me. I can see both sides of the coin. *I'm filled with cliches today, my apologies.* While it isn't right to ask someone to give up more of his free time because he happens to be childless, I don't think it is fair to harbor ill will toward someone because they chose to have a family. Yes, there are times when I had to miss work because I had a sick child. Does that somehow make me a bad employee? I don't think so. Will I miss work because my child is singing at school? You're damn skippy I'll be there in a heartbeat. Again, I do not think this devalues my importance as an employee. If anything, it will make me a happier and more productive person because I have a happy life. I know that my employer values my services enough to give me those two or three hours to proudly watch my child and then I can return to work knowing that I'm supporting my family both financially through a great job AND by being there for them (whether in sickness or something positive.) I've had many childless friends who were crummy employees and much of it was because they were lonely, bitter people with no life outside of work. The key is balance. Are there people who abuse the system and blame it on family responsibilities? I'm sure there are. It is a generalization no different than stereotyping races and genders, in my opinion. Do all Native Americans have a drinking problem? No. So why would we lump them together? Do all women like to gossip and shop? No.

I honestly find it offensive that you are looking down on these co-workers for being good parents. Being a good worker and being a good parent are not exclusive. It is possible to do both and do them both well. If an employee is not performing, it likely has nothing to do with them slipping out early or arriving late on the first day of school. Honestly, can you tell me that the hour or so ONE DAY A YEAR is causing that employee's work performance to slip?

I, for one, think you just need to get over it. If work performance suffers, then perhaps the situation needs to be addressed. It reminds me of the smoker vs. non-smoker argument. As a non-smoker, I noticed that my smoking colleagues got way more breaks than I did because they would slide out the side door to catch a puff and then come back in. However, rather than get upset because they were taking more breaks than me, I took up talking with them on the stoop from time to time to "treat" myself to the extra moment or two of stepping away from the computer.

Harboring ill feelings toward your colleagues over the "child card" will likely do more harm in work productivity than the sick day that one of them takes to care for an ill child.

Can you tell you hit a nerve?

[Sid Raisch]

I would have to vote for "Get Over It" Kevin. Be thankful that there are parents who care enough to "be the parent" for their kids. There are plenty who don't out there and the good ones have to balance out our society. Your beef should be with the employer exclusively, and not with the parents. I am biased because my wife and I are in the process of adopting brothers ages 2 and 5 whose parents dumped their kids on society to pay for. There is a lot of sacrifice involved, including my stepping back from traveling for the past six weeks while they adjust to their new home and parents.

[Steve Cissel]

Did you learn your 'shock value' technique from Imus, The GreaseMan or Madonna?

Looking for eyeballs I guess.

As for my opinion, glad you asked.

My businesses run on one philosophy: Family First, everything else is second .

This philosophy has blessed me with loyal employees of 46 years, 22 years, 18 years, 14 years, 12 years etc. 'Makes no matter' if your US born or migrant, the philosophy remains the same.

Make sure you give your kids a hug tonight Kev. They need it.

Steve

[Lynn]

I think that one of the benefits of working for an independent garden center is that you are more than employee number 2467. Our employees (mostly women) have responsibilities and interests that have nothing to do with their jobs, and, as far as possible, we allow them time off to take care of these things, whether child-related, animal related, or health related. We have several employees that stay with us because of this flexibility and the understanding we have of their "other life."

We have had a time or two when this got out of hand, and these employees are no longer with us, by mutual agreement. But those that remain are probably better employees because of the time they have to take care of their other responsibilities.

I agree: Get over it.

[Melinda Brewington]

As a single mom/employee/student who from time to time has to make time for children's illnesses, appointments, school activities, etc. I would like to offer a possible solution. Why not track time taken off by parents, average that time over a fiscal year, and offer that number of hours off to those employees who do not have children, with the same pay policy (paid leave/unpaid leave)?

[Angela Palmer]

I find that childless folks who get upset about co-workers taking the proper time to attend to their families often forget they too had someone raise them and I bet he/she/they came to watch them in school plays, etc.....right?

Even the "child haters" where I have worked once had parents looking out for them - or maybe they didn't and that's why they are so bitter?

[Kim]

You need to get over it. And your employer needs to treat everyone the same way. Have I taken time off for my kids? You bet. Did the time come out of my leave balance? Yes, every time. My employer treats everyone the same. No kids but need some time, maybe want to go surfing? Take some of the leave you earned. Sick kid or kid's game and you need some time? Take some of the leave you earned. Same treatment means no disgruntled employees. Your beef should be with your employer and not with someone who's trying to work full time and parent, too.

WOW Kevin! I can't help but take this one personal. You made the choice not to have children. I however do have a child and I feel that he is the continuation of my life. I would do anything and everything for him. He is ill at the moment and needs to frequently go to the Dr’s for test and exams. Even though I do miss work to take him, I cannot remember when the last time was that I did not work at least 40 hours in a week. I have always made up my time & I have never asked a fellow employee to take on my work due to my family obligations. I have even been on an out of state business trip while I was breast-feeding. (YES, I do that too! It’s nature’s way!) Yes it required planning in advance and storing up enough mike for a 4-day supply and being able to take my pump with me on the trip. But you know what I did it with out complaint or special needs from anyone. Here are some things I hope for you…
1. You never have to work with anyone receiving chemo and/or radiation.
2. You never have to work with any women who are pregnant… D*** Maternity Leave!
3. You never have to work with someone who has had a heat attack.
4. Your dog, that you mentioned, never gets sick. *You know I hope that you are taking care of him and you would leave work to take him to the vet if needed. If not I hope that someone calls the humane society on you to have that poor little furry baby of yours taken away.
5. You never have to work with anyone who has a crisis arise in his or her life.
6. You never have a personal disaster like a tornado hit your home.

Do I think you need to get over it? YES, and pull the corncob out while you’re at it. I hope that you are a ‘perfect’ boss and co-worker and that you would never do or say anything to a fellow employee that would cause them to sue you. Like for going against the nice federal law known as FMLA. Get over it! This is the way the world goes around. Wake up and smell some of the roses you write about. I use the majority of my PTO to take care of my son. You on the other hand can take off whenever and do something for you. Enjoy your free time and quit griping about those of us continuing the human race.

[Kyrie]

Sorry did not mean to leave off my name above. There is also a typo... MILK for a 4-supply...

Kyrie Marquez - Married to Antonio - Mother to Alexander

[Troy]

I found this topic late, but figured I would throw in an understanding vote for Kevin. As noted in his intial post he has a positive and negative example. I am sure most who have posted above are the postive example who do not abuse the "Child Card", but there are definitely a good amount who do. I have a coworker who abuses the benefit(several others who do not may I note) and I also find it frustrating as Kevin does because it adds to my workload and I find myself late at work. I may not have a child; however, I enjoy every minute I can spend with my wife, family, and friends. I must also note that being frustrated does not mean I have a miserable life as mentioned by some. My wife is in law school and I am in grad school which keeps us busy. All the time we get away from work and books is valuable, so I just ask the "Child Card" abusers not take that time away from me.

Troy